Today My Name Is Billie Read online

  Copyright © 2019 Neile Parisi

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

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  Today My Name is Billie is a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.

  Green Writers Press is a Vermont-based publisher whose mission is to spread a message of hope and renewal through the words and images we publish. Throughout we will adhere to our commitment to preserving and protecting the natural resources of the earth. To that end, a percentage of our proceeds will be donated to environmental activist groups and The Southern Poverty Law Foundation. Green Writers Press gratefully acknowledges support from individual donors, friends, and readers to help support the environment and our publishing initiative. Green Place Books curates books that tell literary and compelling stories with a focus on writing about place—these books are more personal stories/memoir and biographies.

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  To my mother Nell—all that I am or hope to be I owe to my angel mother, who has supported me and been my greatest cheerleader throughout my life. To my family, who loved and assisted me continually. And to Elizabeth Taylor, who always believed in me.

  CHAPTER 1

  Abuse at Home

  I RAN AS FAST AS I COULD down the wet pavement, carrying only my purse in one hand and my toothbrush in the other. Still dressed in my nightgown, I had managed to don a coat, but there was no time for shoes. I prayed that Jimmy would appear soon as I fingered the revolver in my coat pocket. Breathlessly, I turned partially to see my husband chasing after me. Oh, God, help me, please! Don’t let him catch up with me. Jimmy, where are you? Hurry, please hurry!

  As I finished that silent prayer, a car rounded the corner, screeching on two wheels. The door flew open, and Jimmy yelled, “Billie, get in!”

  The car kept moving and I jumped in, as if I were in a scene from a John Wayne movie.

  “Hurry, Jimmy, he’s gaining on us! I don’t want to use this.” I pulled out the gun and flashed it in front of Jimmy’s face.

  “Where did you get that?”

  “I grabbed it as I was running out of the house.”

  I stared out the back window as my husband’s image faded into the darkness, and for a moment, I felt safe. “He said he was going to kill either himself or me.”

  CHAPTER 2

  William

  IT FELT LIKE I HAD KNOWN WILLIAM my whole life. He and my brother were best friends in middle and high school. I never gave him the time of day; he was my brother’s friend, not mine. I mean, I was polite, but that’s all. He would come over to our house frequently. I didn’t know why then. My mom always invited him for dinner. He liked being at our home more than his own. There was no drinking or fighting, only pleasant conversation and love surrounding our dining room table. We had a humble life, but we always felt the love of our parents. I think that was what William was searching for.

  I was sixteen and he was seventeen, and like I said, I wasn’t the slightest bit interested in him—but he was interested in me. He came over more frequently. This went on for two years. I had boyfriends and prom dates that didn’t include him. When I graduated from high school, my mom invited him to my party. I went to a private girls’ school. He went to the public school with my older brother. I started college in the fall, and so did William. He and I went to the same university. How convenient. It wasn’t until sophomore year that I began to look at him differently, and he asked me out. I was nineteen and he was twenty.

  He decided he wanted to join the army and was whisked away to Vietnam. He wanted to go. He liked being a soldier. He said it was the one thing he did very well. That both saddened and scared me.

  He liked it so well that he signed up for a second tour. I wasn’t sure I’d wait for him, but I did.

  William was different when he returned home. He was nervous and defensive. I know he felt badly because people were protesting the returning vets. No one ever thanked them for their service. It must have been difficult being called baby killers. At times, he said he should have stayed there where he felt he belonged.

  He was a highly decorated soldier, a green beret. He often said his greatest talent was killing, and his best occupation was being a soldier. That was why he did two tours in Vietnam.

  William came from a tragic homelife. His dad, an alcoholic, died of cirrhosis. William was only thirteen when it happened. His mom drank and joined the ranks of severe alcoholism too. At this early age, he was raising his younger brothers and sisters, feeding them and escorting them to school, and filling in for both parents.

  I attributed William’s drinking to his homelife and tours of duty in Nam.

  A couple of months after he got home, he returned to school, and we got engaged. The wedding was to be after William’s graduation.

  The abuse actually started while we were dating. The first time he hit me, he punched me so hard in the arm that it bruised immediately. I had to make up a lie to convince my mom that I had fallen and whacked my arm. That was a couple of months before the wedding, and my dad had a talk with him. He asked him if he loved me and wanted to marry me and take care of me. William apologized and said he did, so my dad gave his blessing.

  I thought about calling it off, but foolishly, I didn’t. I said to myself that the invitations had gone out, some presents had been received, and it was too late to cancel. We had an enormous and spectacular Italian wedding. It was so good, in fact, that the guests were reopening their cards and shoving more money into the envelopes. My dad owned a package store, so the liquor flowed freely. My brother paid the band to keep playing two hours longer, and the guests danced until the wee hours of the morning.

  Everyone seemed to be having a grand time except me. William was drunk, and fell a couple of times on the dance floor. He spilled red wine on my wedding dress, and I cried.

  When the wedding was over, I drove us to the hotel, where William promptly crashed and I spent my honeymoon night alone and sobbing.

  It was an omen that he was so drunk throughout our honeymoon that we never consummated our marriage.

  In this way, life continued for years of anything but marital bliss. The beatings began and continued.

  William kept his gun under his pillow, and many a night, he’d wake up dreaming about Vietnam, yelling and screaming and ready to kill the Viet Cong. I was scared, and told myself I didn’t think this could work. We would fight about it, and he would hit me again.

  I knew his time in the service had caused much of the drinking. You can’t have your best buddy blown apart in front of you and try to gather the pieces and feel normal, or see a child strapped to a bomb blown up as a booby trap. You can’t kill day in and day out and expect to feel nothing. He was changed.

  William trusted no one, not even me. He would drink during the day, and he would drink during the night. I don’t know how he kept his job.

/>   Holidays were the worst. We never quite made it to family functions, as William was usually drunk. I was so tired of making up excuses about his illnesses and problems. One Christmas Eve, I answered the phone to hear a police sergeant informing me that William had been arrested for drunk driving, and that I could pick him up in the morning at the station. So early Christmas morning, I grabbed his new down coat that I had wrapped for him, and drove to the police station to retrieve my husband. It was one of the saddest Christmases I can ever remember.

  On another occasion, I had returned from our school bowling banquet to find him drunk and accusing me of having an affair with a fellow teacher, which of course was not true. We argued so intensely that the next-door neighbors screamed, “Shut up!” and “Go to sleep!” I hoped one of them would call the police to report the problem, but they never did, so I suffered in silence. That night was a bad one. He ripped my dress off, and actually pulled out some of my hair.

  Time passed, things never really got any better, and after four years, I decided to file for divorce. I went home to my parents. William begged me to give him another chance, and said he’d stop drinking, so please come home. And I did. Two weeks later, he beat me so badly I had to tell my boss that I had been in a car accident to cover for the extensive bruises. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t tell my parents; only my best friend, Lee.

  My dad asked, “Do you love him? Because if you do, you need to try and make it work.” So I tried. My parents liked him, and treated him very well. They didn’t like the way he treated me. My brother approached him one day and said, “You have to stop—stop drinking and stop hitting my sister.” My dad also told him to quit. He did, for a little while, and then he returned to his old ways.

  Some of the worst beatings happened during the holidays. Those were sad days. I always felt so sorry for him, so I put up with a lot of crap, until one day I was praying, and the Lord said, “You were created to have joy and be happy on this Earth.” That was the turning point. I said, “I can’t go on like this anymore.” It had been nearly five years that I had lived in fear and walked on eggshells.

  I told William, “Either come to counseling, or I’m leaving.”

  He laughed.

  I said, “I mean it.”

  So he sobered up long enough to come to counseling.

  A good friend of mine had suggested that we try it. Of course, William accused me of having an affair with my friend. Any man I talked to was accused of being my lover. He thought the men in the bowling league, the bishop at church, and the other male science teachers were somehow all sleeping with me. I wouldn’t have had time to do anything else if this had been true.

  I wanted to try to make it work. I had been raised to believe that you don’t get a divorce. You make your marriage work, especially if you have children. We didn’t have children, because my husband said I would be a lousy mother.

  I was so ingrained with this negative talk that my self-talk became negative, as well, and I believed him that I wasn’t worth much. That no one would love me, and that I was lucky that he still wanted me. How powerful his words were.

  I was so badgered that I agreed with him. He was right. I was of little worth. When the counselor suggested he come alone, he stopped coming completely.

  Something changed, however. I prayed to feel worthy, and I received an answer. I was good. I had to leave. Another reason to leave him, but I stayed at least six months more, going to the counseling sessions on my own.

  It wasn’t long before William threatened to kill himself or me. He threw the vacuum cleaner through the living room window, broke some dishes and glasses, trashed the furniture, and grabbed his gun. I ran upstairs and called Lee’s husband, Jimmy, to rescue me. Just then, William ripped the phone out of the wall. He went into the basement, and I heard a shot. I was petrified, afraid that he had killed himself. I opened the basement door and saw him laughing maniacally. He was trying to punish me.

  I ran upstairs. He followed me, grabbed a knife, and shoved it into his waistband, cutting his side. He had put the gun down on the kitchen counter. As he moved to the living room, I thought, this is my chance. I grabbed the gun and fled the house, leaving everything behind except my purse and toothbrush. I ran barefoot out the door, and this time, despite the advice of the counselor, I got a divorce!

  So, I was very, very familiar with abuse and the nature of the beast. After this ordeal, I vowed I would never ever hit anyone or cause such sadness to another.

  People asked incredulously, “Why didn’t you fight back?”

  “Why didn’t you hit him?”

  “Why did you stay with him?”

  When there is addiction, you feel you can overcome it and change it, but you can’t. You don’t want to feel as if you have failed, so you stay. I did try to fight back. I tried very hard, but he was bigger and stronger—and when he was drunk, he was much stronger. So I would always lose, hoping it would change and be all better someday.

  I learned some very important lessons from all of this. First, you can’t marry someone and expect them to change, because they won’t. No amount of love you give them can change who they are. Second, you can’t believe the lies they tell you when they compare you to someone else. I learned I would always fail if I compared my weaknesses to someone else’s strengths. Lastly, I learned that only I determine my worth. I gave my crown away, and let my husband crush it. He said things like, “You will make a terrible mother. I’d rather give my sperm to a whore than you, and fat women make terrible wives and mothers.” I wasn’t even fat, but I believed him. I fell into the trap. He said, “No one would ever marry you if you leave me.” I believed him.

  I left for good. I had the confidence to do this because I knew I was good, and deserved a better life. I didn’t go back. I never regretted it. I wished I had left earlier. I thought counseling was crap, because the counselor had told me to return to our home and try again. I hadn’t felt good about this, but I foolishly obeyed, and almost lost my life in the process. In the end, I left with very little, but I had my pride. And I changed my name because I knew who I was again.

  CHAPTER 3

  Philip

  PHILIP WAS THE SWEETEST, KINDEST, gentlest man I had ever known. He was such a contrast to William. Philip would never harm me, or even say anything hurtful to me.

  I met him in school. We were both taking elective classes, unsure of a major yet. We sat next to each other in a general education class and started talking. The professor requested that we choose partners to work on a project. I spoke up right away and asked him to be my partner. He agreed. We met at the library three times a week to study, research, and prepare our project. It was great fun.

  I started liking him, but was fearful, having been treated so poorly by William. But Philip seemed different: kind and gentle. We both hoped that we would decide where to concentrate our studies after these general education courses. One common characteristic we shared was our lack of self-esteem. We talked a lot after studying, sometimes in the library, sometimes at a coffee shop. We decided to be completely honest with each other and shared our tales, both good and bad.

  We were both divorced, and had experienced feelings of great sadness. Each of us had been treated badly by our spouse. My husband had abused me, both physically and mentally. His wife had cheated on him and hurt him deeply, as well. It was good to discuss our pasts and to understand where we were coming from. Philip was seeking someone he could trust, who would adore him and not leave him. I was seeking the same thing. I wanted to be treated like a human being and be loved unconditionally.

  Sometimes, the sunrise would end our talks. It didn’t matter, because neither of us had anyone waiting for us at home. It felt good and right to be with Philip. We were both unsure of ourselves, but promised to support each other. We finished our project, scored an A, and decided we made a good team.

  We chose our next set of classes together and finished the semester, still puzzled about our choice of conc
entration. I was learning toward law, and registered for some classes that I could use toward a law degree. Philip was leaning toward engineering. Between the two of us, we changed majors seven times. I thought I had made the right decision when I chose law, and Philip had been content as a math major. All of that changed, but we continued to see each other and help and support each other.

  When school ended that year, we decided to meet each other’s families. It was a pleasant experience for both of us. Unsure of what the future held, we continued to press forward, hoping we would guide each other in the correct way and stay on the path to success. We saw more and more of each other, and we found out that both of us had sought the help of counselors to free our minds and bodies, which had been damaged by our exes. We talked about moving in together, but that’s all it was—just talk. Again, the feelings of inadequacy surfaced, paralyzing both of us. We would discuss it another day. Time was rapidly passing, and we were in our fourth year of college. Philip would graduate the following spring. I had two more years of school.

  He finally asked me one day if I wanted children, and I nearly jumped out of my chair.

  “Yes, oh, yes, I do! Do you?”

  “Yes. I think we should get married. What do you think, Billie?”

  “Are you proposing?”

  “I think so.”

  “Then you must get down on one knee and ask me properly.”

  “Well, I don’t have a ring.”

  “Well, you’ll have to get one.”

  Philip knelt in the library on the cold stone floor and said, “Billie, will you type my term papers for the rest of my life?”

  I laughed out loud, and agreed. “Yes, yes, I will!”

  He stood up and hugged and kissed me. “Tomorrow, we’ll go pick out a ring. I’m so excited. I can’t wait to tell everyone.”